Halloween Costume Ideas That Make Use of My College Band Tux

This post was submitted to McSweeney’s too late to be included in their Halloween content for the year, which I kind of expected since I sent it the day before. I’m pretending scheduling was the only reason it wasn’t used. Let me have that. Enjoy.

James Bond
Accessories needed: Walther PPK, Aston Martin, emotional tolerance for literally any amount of alcohol

James Bond, Libertarian
Accessories needed: Sandwich board with text, “Ask Me About My Fire Station Subscription Plan,” written in a hasty hand

James Bond, Blogger
Accessories needed: 1,000 true fans

James Bond, Barista
Accessories needed: Neck tattoo of favorite origin country, screen-printing business on the side, improbably sensitive palate

James Bond Moved to the Suburbs, Took a Crushing Job in IT, and had Mild Nervous Breakdown
Accessories needed: None