- Nivea’s Garlic Face Wash for Men
- Old Spice High Endurance, Roasted Garlic Scent
- REDKEN Pomade with Garlic Oil
- Herbal Essences 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner, and Leave-in Garlic Treatment
- Crest Complete Whitening Toothpaste, Garlic Mint
A nice place where everyone sits quietly and watches Antiques Roadshow reruns
A dry bar that’s well lit and sells groceries. Could just be a grocery store with chairs.
Something with casseroles. All kinds of casseroles. Maybe in an old church.
An olive bar. No, an olive buffet. I don’t like the word “bar.”
This post was submitted to McSweeney’s too late to be included in their Halloween content for the year, which I kind of expected since I sent it the day before. I’m pretending scheduling was the only reason it wasn’t used. Let me have that. Enjoy.
Accessories needed: Walther PPK, Aston Martin, emotional tolerance for literally any amount of alcohol
James Bond, Libertarian
Accessories needed: Sandwich board with text, “Ask Me About My Fire Station Subscription Plan,” written in a hasty hand
James Bond, Blogger
Accessories needed: 1,000 true fans
James Bond, Barista
Accessories needed: Neck tattoo of favorite origin country, screen-printing business on the side, improbably sensitive palate
James Bond Moved to the Suburbs, Took a Crushing Job in IT, and had Mild Nervous Breakdown
Accessories needed: None