A Teetotaler Jots Down a Few Bar Concepts

  • A nice place where everyone sits quietly and watches Antiques Roadshow reruns

  • A dry bar that’s well lit and sells groceries. Could just be a grocery store with chairs.

  • Something with casseroles. All kinds of casseroles. Maybe in an old church.

  • An olive bar. No, an olive buffet. I don’t like the word “bar.”

Halloween Costume Ideas That Make Use of My College Band Tux

This post was submitted to McSweeney’s too late to be included in their Halloween content for the year, which I kind of expected since I sent it the day before. I’m pretending scheduling was the only reason it wasn’t used. Let me have that. Enjoy.


James Bond
Accessories needed: Walther PPK, Aston Martin, emotional tolerance for literally any amount of alcohol

James Bond, Libertarian
Accessories needed: Sandwich board with text, “Ask Me About My Fire Station Subscription Plan,” written in a hasty hand

James Bond, Blogger
Accessories needed: 1,000 true fans

James Bond, Barista
Accessories needed: Neck tattoo of favorite origin country, screen-printing business on the side, improbably sensitive palate

James Bond Moved to the Suburbs, Took a Crushing Job in IT, and had Mild Nervous Breakdown
Accessories needed: None